“You’re transforming old patterns of your mind and letting go of thoughts you don’t need to have around any longer.” Anonymous
The second step in your transformational journey is to set a transformational goal. You’ve already identified your problem and declared you have a desire for change. So now, what do you want your life to look and feel like? What are your deepest desires, dreams, and higher aspirations?
See if any of these ring true to you. They are clearly defined. Can you picture what it would look and feel like to have achieved any of them? (The unclear, vague goals are listed in parentheses.)
I want to have compassion and empathy for myself and others, especially those with whom I have had problematic relationships or encounters. (I want to be a nicer person.)
I want to express myself authentically and have the courage to set boundaries and live a purposeful life. (I want to speak my truth.)
I want to embody myself fully by experiencing, breathing, and being grounded so I can live a life of abundance. (I want to get out of my head.)
Setting this type of goal differs from SMART goals in a couple of ways. First, it may or may not be specific; second, it may or may not be time-bound. There are, however, four factors that go into transformational goal setting. They are:
The nature of a healthy goal
Involving the right people
The right size and scope of the goal
The importance of intention
The Nature of a Healthy Goal
“Set a goal so meaningful that it creates a drive inside of you. A drive to become better and stronger.”
Science has shown that when healthy goals are future-focused and you envision a positive outcome, neuroplasticity creates new neural pathways, which drive you to achieve them.
There are several factors of healthy transformational goals.
They are meaningful. A meaningful goal makes you more authentic and effective, helping you transform into a better person. You look to find a reason beyond yourself to impact everything in your outer world. They are emotional and inspire your inner drive and a sense of purpose.
They are precisely expressed. Vague goals produce vague results. When you have a plan such as “I want to be a better person,” it not precise. Better than what? Or “I want to improve my writing.” Improve what, editing, content, grammar, etc.? All goals need to be clear, concise, and action-oriented and be expressed so that there is little doubt about the specific outcome that is being sought.
They are compelling. Compelling goals help us find ways of meeting them. Who do you want to be once you’ve achieved it? They evoke the excitement of being on a glorious journey.
They result in a more spacious way of being. You can see a bigger picture with a more expansive perspective and variables with these goals, and you have a more comprehensive view to consider.
Involving the Right People
When supported by others, transformation occurs more dynamically. There’s accountability and sharing your goals with the right people to see if they are right for you. Paradigms can be invisible, and you may have blind spots, so including others can furnish extra awareness.
Additionally, others most likely already know your behavior patterns and can provide feedback on how you are progressing. The input is invaluable information for your transformation.
The Right Size of a Transformational Goal
A transformational goal that is too large may cause you to become overwhelmed and not even start the process. If it’s too little, it’s most likely not a transformation, and transformation is a process that takes time, usually 6 to 9 months.
Examples of a Transformational Goal
The following are examples of transformational goals:
I want to trust myself and others by being vulnerable, feeling safe and secure, and focusing on positivity.
I want the ability to set strong boundaries and not allow people to take advantage of my good-hearted nature.
Learning to be successful while making mistakes instead of striving for perfection is what I yearn for.
I want to have compassion for others and myself, knowing I am becoming the best version of myself—one who stands tall and has self-esteem.
The Importance of Intention
You may have heard of The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Using the power of intention means deliberately thinking thoughts now of the future you want. Intention creates more success, particularly as you focus on habits over outcomes. You stretch toward the future by intending, bringing it into reality through action or habits.
Setting a transformational goal is like creating a beacon of light where you focus when the work gets challenging, and it is what keeps you going. The right one will be strong enough to pick you up when the times get tough. And they may.
STEP ONE: START WITH A PROBLEM AND A DESIRE FOR CHANGE
The first step toward transformation is acknowledging that you have a problem in life that is causing unfavorable consequences. It may be challenging, but nothing will change if you don’t recognize it.
Here are a few questions that may resonate with you:
How has your life been since your relationship or marriage ended?
Do you feel like your life is spiraling out of control, and you keep repeating the same things that keep you stuck in your anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, anger, and other negative emotions and don’t know why?
Have you searched for external things, like alcohol, shopping, food, or exercise to fill the void?
You are not alone!
Are you at a point where you deeply want to change but are terrified of the consequences? But if you dig in a bit, can you ask yourself, “Is my felt need for change as strong or stronger than my fear of change and the desire to remain comfortable?” If it is, you’re at a starting point and have the desire for change. What comes next takes a bit of unraveling because the problem or issue you present is covering the one underneath that is keeping you stuck.
When mapping a paradigm, we seek the needs and goals beneath the façade of conscious awareness, for it is the subconscious needs and goals that drive our behavior far more than our explicit ones.
Our subconscious processes take care of our essential life functions and our learned behaviors and habits. In fact, 95% of all our behaviors and reactions happen at the subconscious level.
When we become aware that our subconscious mind is the auto-pilot controlling our life, our conscious thinking can benefit us by becoming more mindful of our choices in what we think, feel, and do.
Identifying and Accepting the Problem
The questions posed above suggest possible presenting problems or issues you may have identified as the source of your pain or discomfort. Identifying a problem is one thing; accepting it, however, is another. A piece of wisdom imparted to me while I was in rehab being treated for alcoholism or substance abuse disorder was acceptance.
From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
“Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation- some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
It is a tall order as your ego wants to stand in the way and “protect” you by leading you away from the problem or issue. When you understand how your paradigm is not serving you, your ego will provide you with all the reasons and justifications to divert your attention to prevent discomfort.
In human psychology, acceptance is a person’s consent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change or protest it.
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.” ~ Carl Jung
The Desire For Change
Pain is a great motivator, and if the pain you are experiencing now is more significant than the perceived discomfort of change, you are ready to begin the transformation process.
But, if you are more comfortable living with your existing problem than taking on something new that requires more pain, you may need assistance to get you there. It is here where I can help deepen your desire for change by asking you what the potential negative consequences would be if you don’t change.
And together, we will create a suitable problem statement that feels right and complete. When the need is felt and a strong desire for transformation is in place, you are ready for the next step on your journey.
Personal paradigms are the lenses through which we see the world, shaping our understanding of how we live in it. Paradigms are guidelines
for our behavior—what we think, feel, and live—that evolve into life patterns. They regulate what you mentally and emotionally hold onto. And many of us are grappling with problems we once could solve but no longer know can.
A personal paradigm is comprised of not only your belief system that has these issues within it but also your needs and goals. Combined, these create your success strategies for taking the actions that result in the outcomes of solving the issues.
There’s only one problem—it doesn’t work for you anymore, and your mindset is stuck—there’s no alternative.
What Creates a Paradigm?
Paradigms form from several places; your environment is one of them. Humans, by design, need protection, and herein lies the nature/nurture equation. The nurture part of this equation is powerful.
Paradigms are shaped by many years of experience and what our parents, teachers, friends, and the world have taught us. Because these teachings are so deeply rooted, it can be problematic for you to recognize when you’re stuck in a paradigm that no longer serves you. Even if someone calls it to your attention, you may deny it as it can be invisible and locked in place.
Your Responses from Hearing “I Want a Divorce” May Have Originated from Your Paradigm
Paradigms are reinforced throughout your lifetime; repetition is the most transparent and straightforward way. Maybe you grew up in a household where it was forbidden or frowned upon to divorce. From as far back as you can remember, no one in your family ever even considered it an option. All you heard and knew growing up was that when you marry, it’s forever.
The paradigm could also be repeated in your culture; for example, divorce is illegal in the Philippines and the Vatican. In the Islam faith, it is a last resort, and in Hinduism, it was forbidden until the Hindu Marriage Act of 1955, and like Catholicism, marriage is a sacrament. However, the latter doesn’t believe in divorce and considers it a sin.
Getting divorced is a failure; you’re a failure, and you don’t know how to get out of this problem.
Other Ways Paradigms are Reinforced
Repetition is the most obvious way a paradigm is reinforced, but there are other ways it happens, and confirmation bias is one of them. Staying with the idea that if you divorce, you’re a failure, you may have heard that through other sources, such as the media or data research.
Confirmation bias involves preferring information that confirms your beliefs (or biases). An example would be meeting two new people, one who is married and the other divorced. You would place greater importance on the
married woman and deem her as successful in life, and you view the divorced woman as a failure. High regard is placed on looking for evidence and interpreting information that supports this.
Paradigms are also reinforced by a preference to choose friends who agree with you and the desire for comfort. When there’s no conflict, you can relax and be at ease with the patterns you’ve taken on.
Along with the belief that you’re a failure if you get a divorce, you may also believe that everyone abandons or rejects you, life isn’t fair, you are nothing without a spouse, etc.
Paradigms are the lens through which you see the world and hold onto them because they work and they’re comfortable. Creating an alternative paradigm requires a shift in perspective, which may seem overwhelming to you or too much work.
“Paradigms are powerful because they create the lens through which we see the world.” ~ Steven Covey
If you’re still in the throes of chaos and feeling less than, you are not alone. I’ve been there, as have others before me, and others will continue after me. It’s painful, and it hurts—and you don’t want to feel it anymore. I know.
I also know that you must feel your feelings to heal. You see, I’ve learned something about them. Take anger, for example. You weren’t angry before you heard the words, “I want a divorce.” Well, maybe not that angry.
So this anger comes from nothingness, and it becomes something. That something is inside of you, and you hold onto it. And your resistance keeps it from moving forward. But that something doesn’t want to stay inside of you. It intends to complete its life cycle like everything else. But you don’t allow it to.
When you feel the anger fully and then let it go, you allow the anger to return to the nothingness it once was.
The life cycle of your anger is then complete.
This is true of every feeling you have, and although it’s simple, it’s not easy to do. I encourage you to do your best to allow the anger, grief, sadness, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment to complete their life cycles.
There is a way out.
It can be accomplished where you have profound and enduring transformation by employing the 7 Step Path to Reclaim Your Self-Esteem, which I will outline here. The primary goal of this type of coaching is to shift a deeply held personal paradigm marked by a limiting belief to a more expansive and effective one that opens up new opportunities to live a life fully and well.
What is a paradigm?
In the container I have set forth here, a personal paradigm is a set of beliefs, assumptions, theories, or points of view that shape each person’s choices. Your response, or its level, may be rooted in your paradigms, which are difficult to see. They exist in your subconscious, and you rarely examine them.
During the 7 Step Path to Reclaim Your Self-Esteem, together, we will create a paradigm map for you to explore and fill out. [See Figure A.] I will describe each step in the process for the following seven weeks so you can decide if it’s something you want to learn more about.
Figure A
Warning: There is no quick and easy fix, but I guarantee you’ll have a lasting transformation if you do the work.
The following steps briefly describe the process of what is entailed to create a new, glorious life for yourself.
Step One: Start with a problem or desire to change. What problem do you want to solve or the pattern you want to change? Why do you want to change it?
Step Two: Establish a transformational goal or vision. What is your purpose in solving the problem? What about life do you want to be different?
Step Three: Search and discover the underlying pattern. How did this pattern emerge for you, and how has it served you? How has it limited you?
Step Four: Own the pattern and the process of learning. Do you understand that you created this pattern consciously or unconsciously and that to change it will require you to own it fully? Do you recognize that you have to put yourself in the “driver’s seat” to change this pattern?
Step Five: Question the current paradigm and identify possible new paradigms. Let’s imagine an entirely different way of seeing and being that will fundamentally shift the pattern. What would it look like and feel like?
Step Six: Experiment to find a more expansive paradigm. Now that you see a different personal paradigm let’s learn how to practice and implement it.
Step Seven: Form new habits. Now that your new paradigm seems to be working let’s make it a deeply ingrained habit so that you don’t revert to the old paradigm.
A good transformation will take you to a different way of seeing and being—with possibilities that didn’t exist in your prior way of being. The journey of transformation, where you reclaim your self-esteem and more, takes time and courage.
I look forward to the possibility of creating magic with you one day as you follow along and see how the process unfolds.
To learn more, schedule your complimentary 1-hour coaching call today.
The revelation, that was at death’s doorstep,and a moment of clarity, led me to say the three most challenging words I ever uttered, “I need help!”
In and of itself, divorce is enough to bury someone deep in dark places. Couple that with addiction, and you have a recipe for disaster.
But after waving a white flag of surrender, I felt my fears begin to ebb. I knew there was a tough road ahead for me, but I also knew it was an improvement over my current circumstances.
Transformation is a process that takes time. Knowing I am not unlike many people in the world who want a quick and easy fix for their problems, I needed to practice being patient and living in the present moment, which was my starting point.
I consciously decided to do what I was directed to do, even if I didn’t want to. After all, my best thinking led to my actions, which gave me the undesirable outcome I found myself in. I needed to change that, and it wouldn’t happen overnight.
Following the steps to sobriety was first on my agenda; recovery from divorce came after. After nine months in recovery—the same amount of time I spent suffering from the throes of being divorced and relapsing—I had an epiphany.
My thoughts were changing; my behavior and actions were changing; I was changing!
Now I was ready to work on the forgiveness necessary for the healing caused by the divorce. I knew there was more to do; I didn’t quite yet know what, though.
It wasn’t until someone told me that my ex-husband was living with the woman with whom he had an affair that I felt the anger and humiliated pierce my heart like an invisible dagger. I wanted to exact revenge, but knew to do so would do me more harm than good. So I did what I thought I couldn’t do—ask God to bestow upon him—and her—all the blessings that I had been given. I did this every morning and night for two straight weeks.
The resentment began to lift. It was a sign I was headed in the right direction.
I wanted more healing now that I had the foundational blocks, so I started to go beyond the 12 Steps. I became interested in raising my awareness and what miracals can happen when you shift your perception. It was extremely intriguing and I began to further my inner journey of healing.
Still saddled with the feeling of being victimized, not only
physically and emotionally, but financially by my ex, I wanted to let that go and forgive him. But first, I had to forgive myself, which I thought I had done. Not so fast. There was so much more to excavate and uncover.
After a year or so of self-discovery, I had found the gift of forgiveness. It’s not what you would call traditional forgiveness, where someone does something wrong and you forgove for the sake of forgiving. No, that wasn’t what I found. I acquired something much deeper and meaningful; two souls who were contracted in life for one to teach the other a lesson. This is called radical forgiveness.
The gift of my husband’s infidelity, divorce request, and me relapsing after 17 years was one where I healed from childhood wounds and trauma I never knew existed, discovered my true purpose in life and became the person I am today—who I love!
That something is inside of you, and you hold onto it. And your resistance keeps it from moving forward. But that something doesn’t want to stay inside of you. It intends to complete its life cycle like everything else. But you don’t allow it to.
