STEP FOUR: OWN THE PATTERN AND THE PROCESS OF LEARNING
To become a whole, integrated being, you must get to the root cause of any issue, block, or trauma you may have. You want to treat your entire system, not just the symptoms. In the same way, alcohol was a symptom of my disease; the real problem was me. I had to “get under my hood” and take a long hard look at the actions I took that got me to where I was—sitting in a chair in an AA meeting!
“Beneath every behavior, there is a feeling. And beneath every feeling, there is a need.
And when we meet the need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.”
I had to step up and take responsibility for my health and wellness. I had to own my actions and the outcomes and then learn an entirely new way to live. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
The Necessity to be Active
If you want transformation, you must be the engine of your train and take command. A competent and honest coach will guide you through the process and encourage you to actively engage in your learning and development.
You need to comprehend and acknowledge that the patterns you created during your life are yours and yours alone. It means you made the outcomes you currently have, whether you like them or not.
You will explore your paradigms and learn you can be an active agent of change, transforming yourself. As you are helped, given the space to slow things down and learn tasks to complete, you’ll find yourself having a deeper awareness that will keep you from slipping back into old patterns.
Remember, this is your life and your journey. You’ll need to acknowledge and own your thoughts, feelings, and states of mind to change your behavior patterns.
Learning Tasks
Previously coached, you might have been assigned work to complete before the next session. In transformational coaching, these assignments are called learning tasks, which help you question and challenge what you believe to be valid to grow. Through these tasks, you’ll discover what is hidden beneath the surface. It is similar to shadow work in that you look for, own,
and then see the “gold” that’s been buried for so long.
Four Distinct Learning Tasks
Learning tasks are offered at various stages of your transformational coaching. The four tasks are Observe, Insight, Experiment, and New Habits. Many learning tasks are fashioned for awareness and exploration, while others are designed to help create the possibility of a breakthrough. They are designed to give you control of your transformation and to concentrate on learning what is necessary to complete it.
Observe—the first learning tasks are observational and designed to get the awareness of your pattern, not to understand it, but to see it in action. For example, if you’re uncomfortable speaking in a large group, observe your feelings before and during your talk. Where did you feel nervous? Where did you feel judged? Were you fearful you weren’t coming across well? Explore where you got off-center, and the inner critic comes in.
Insight֫—the next learning task is to provide insight to understand your paradigm—the causes—where and how it gets triggered, and what triggers it. For example, If you are controlling and micro-manage, write down the next time you have the impulse to micro-manage. What is the situation? What are your feelings and desires at that moment? Writing the answers to these questions gives you more awareness of your pattern.
Experiment—the following learning task is to experiment and try out new behaviors or approaches. For example, meet with three people with whom you are uncomfortable raising an issue. Make sure they won’t “blast” you, but you need to confront them. It would help if you wrote down your thoughts and feelings in advance of what you will say and then boldly say it.
New Habits—the last learning task is forming new habits. Once your new paradigm is clear, you need to practice it. For instance, when speaking to a large group, be aware that you are quieting the inner critic. Do mini-practices, and over time the new habit will form.
As you have searched to find the underlying pattern, these learning tasks will help you become aware of what causes them as well as help eliminate them. The learning tasks also provide the spaciousness for new paradigms to arise. The tasks are assigned at the end of the session and debriefed and the beginning of the next session.
Schedule your 1-hour complimentary coaching session now to learn more!
Step Three: Search and Find the Underlying Pattern
(Part 2 of 2)
In Part 1, you learned what a paradigm map was and the type of questions that you would be asked to expand it. Giving the space for exploration and slowing down the process enables you to clearly identify anything you are unaware of and then make conscious decisions.
Part 2 describes finding the underlying patterns, how they formed and are limiting, and exploring paradigms. First, second, and third-order problems will be illustrated as examples of a paradigm’s layers. Going deeper to discover your patterns can be a grand adventure where you’re searching for a new sense of self.
The Process of Finding the Underlying Patterns
When you want to change something, such as a behavior pattern,
you have to go to the causal level of what is activating it. Paradigms commonly form in early childhood and are developed unconsciously as “success strategies” to cope with unhealthy living situations. You would be asked questions that create a desire to examine the root cause of your paradigm. You may be asked questions such as:
What is the current paradigm? (Using the Paradigm Map.)
How did it form, and how did it help you?
How is it limiting you now?
You can start anywhere, but “strategies” is usually a solid place. “Actions” follow “strategies” and then “outcomes.”
How the Paradigm Formed
As previously mentioned, paradigms generally are created in your formative years to help you cope with challenging home life. You may be asked: When did you first notice this behavior pattern? How did the pattern help you manage that time in your life?
To uncover the hidden conditions that locked your paradigm in place, using questions that reveal the layers are posed. They identify what are called first, second, and third-order problems.
First-Order Problem: The first-order problem is your presenting problem, what you are looking to fix. An example might be that you judge yourself, others, and situations.
Second-Order Problem: The second-order problem is the cause of the first-order problem. Staying with the above example might be that you judge because you don’t feel good about yourself and lack self-esteem.
Third-Order Problem: The third-order problem is the pattern that keeps the second-order problem locked in place. You don’t want to face the fact that you keep judging yourself and others because your parents humiliated you repeatedly, which laid the foundation for it to continue in your adult life.
How is the Paradigm Limiting?
You are stuck, and you can’t get past something; it’s created a problem for you. More likely than not, it’s an underlying paradigm causing your stuckness,
and you need to become aware of it to change it.
You already discovered how it helped you deal with situations. Now it’s time to find out how it limits you.
Questions that may be asked:
How is the behavior pattern limited you in life?
What beliefs do you have that you’ve never questioned? Are they true? How do you know they are true?
What are some of the underlying thoughts and beliefs that keep shaping this pattern?
Exploring Paradigms
The key to exploring paradigms is to have enough space within a safe container that will allow you to do a deeper dive into the pattern. A skillful coach will provide
that field of safety while asking questions that explore how the patterns manifest or show up while guiding you to be present with your feelings.
Please reach out and connect with me if you have any questions—or schedule a complimentary 15-minute discovery call for more information.
Step Three: Search and Find the Underlying Pattern (Part 1 of 2)
Now that you’ve identified a problem and set a clear transformational goal for your life, it’s time to explore the underlying patterns of your paradigm, which may be locked in place and invisible. Most paradigms are formed in early childhood, so you may find yourself revisiting this time of life.
“All life is a pattern …but we cannot always see the pattern when we are a part of it.” ~ Belva Plain
As your partner in the exploration, I will ask probing questions such as:
What assumptions have you made that helped create the current paradigm?
What does the paradigm look like?
What beliefs do you have that created your behavior patterns?
When did these behavior patterns first appear?
What has prevented you from confronting this pattern?
Many other insightful questions can be posed, but these are a solid start. We are not looking for the cause or solution here, just exploring the aspects of your paradigm. You’ll be given the paradigm map to begin filling out.
The Current Paradigm Map here is a sample of a partial paradigm map for you to understand how it works.
The Space of Exploration
Think of exploring your paradigm as a glorious event, not something you dread. Since this is your journey, you’ll be given and held space to question and examine areas of your life. The space will be safe, so beliefs that no longer serve you can be eliminated, allowing you to look at others and see if they are more appropriate for you.
Given the freedom and spaciousness to be inquisitive, you’ll be able to use your creativity to help discover some of the answers that lock your paradigm in place. The spaciousness is the field of pure potentiality.
Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there lies a field. I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi
When you are ready for a paradigm shift, knowing you are held in a safe space or container is highly critical, one you can trust. When things get emotional, and they will, knowing you have a non-judgmental and compassionate ear that understands what you’re going through is essential. There’s no path forward for your journey of exploration if you don’t have trust.
When you are in a safe environment with a trusted listener, you’ll have the freedom to probe and explore uncomfortable feelings and emotions essential to any healing. You may be nudged but never pushed.
The approach to discovering your underlying paradigm is tailored for you. You will be met right where you are and not where you have never been before, which will come later.
Slowing It Down to Find the Pattern
You will be listened to and heard if you get activated or triggered. The process will be slowed but not stopped. Something profound needs to be addressed, and you must explore it. You may want to answer my probing questions quickly, but know they are surface deflections.
To get to the root cause determining your paradigm is similar to peeling the layers of skin of an onion; you deal with them one at a time and then move on to the next. It also depends on how ingrained and locked in place the paradigm is. There is no one-size-fits-all way to find it. Some may be discovered quickly, some slowly, but they will always be found if you work for it.
Also, slowing down the process allows the space for you to answer intuitive questions and not be controlled by your unconscious or automatic responses. Making wise decisions leads to desirable consequences and results.
In Part 2, The Process of Finding the Underlying Pattern, How the Paradigm Formed, and more, will be laid out for you in a simple and easy-to-understand manner. I look forward to sharing it with you. Please reach out and connect with me if you have any questions—or schedule a complimentary 15-minute discovery call for more information.
“You’re transforming old patterns of your mind and letting go of thoughts you don’t need to have around any longer.” Anonymous
The second step in your transformational journey is to set a transformational goal. You’ve already identified your problem and declared you have a desire for change. So now, what do you want your life to look and feel like? What are your deepest desires, dreams, and higher aspirations?
See if any of these ring true to you. They are clearly defined. Can you picture what it would look and feel like to have achieved any of them? (The unclear, vague goals are listed in parentheses.)
I want to have compassion and empathy for myself and others, especially those with whom I have had problematic relationships or encounters. (I want to be a nicer person.)
I want to express myself authentically and have the courage to set boundaries and live a purposeful life. (I want to speak my truth.)
I want to embody myself fully by experiencing, breathing, and being grounded so I can live a life of abundance. (I want to get out of my head.)
Setting this type of goal differs from SMART goals in a couple of ways. First, it may or may not be specific; second, it may or may not be time-bound. There are, however, four factors that go into transformational goal setting. They are:
The nature of a healthy goal
Involving the right people
The right size and scope of the goal
The importance of intention
The Nature of a Healthy Goal
“Set a goal so meaningful that it creates a drive inside of you. A drive to become better and stronger.”
Science has shown that when healthy goals are future-focused and you envision a positive outcome, neuroplasticity creates new neural pathways, which drive you to achieve them.
There are several factors of healthy transformational goals.
They are meaningful. A meaningful goal makes you more authentic and effective, helping you transform into a better person. You look to find a reason beyond yourself to impact everything in your outer world. They are emotional and inspire your inner drive and a sense of purpose.
They are precisely expressed. Vague goals produce vague results. When you have a plan such as “I want to be a better person,” it not precise. Better than what? Or “I want to improve my writing.” Improve what, editing, content, grammar, etc.? All goals need to be clear, concise, and action-oriented and be expressed so that there is little doubt about the specific outcome that is being sought.
They are compelling. Compelling goals help us find ways of meeting them. Who do you want to be once you’ve achieved it? They evoke the excitement of being on a glorious journey.
They result in a more spacious way of being. You can see a bigger picture with a more expansive perspective and variables with these goals, and you have a more comprehensive view to consider.
Involving the Right People
When supported by others, transformation occurs more dynamically. There’s accountability and sharing your goals with the right people to see if they are right for you. Paradigms can be invisible, and you may have blind spots, so including others can furnish extra awareness.
Additionally, others most likely already know your behavior patterns and can provide feedback on how you are progressing. The input is invaluable information for your transformation.
The Right Size of a Transformational Goal
A transformational goal that is too large may cause you to become overwhelmed and not even start the process. If it’s too little, it’s most likely not a transformation, and transformation is a process that takes time, usually 6 to 9 months.
Examples of a Transformational Goal
The following are examples of transformational goals:
I want to trust myself and others by being vulnerable, feeling safe and secure, and focusing on positivity.
I want the ability to set strong boundaries and not allow people to take advantage of my good-hearted nature.
Learning to be successful while making mistakes instead of striving for perfection is what I yearn for.
I want to have compassion for others and myself, knowing I am becoming the best version of myself—one who stands tall and has self-esteem.
The Importance of Intention
You may have heard of The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Using the power of intention means deliberately thinking thoughts now of the future you want. Intention creates more success, particularly as you focus on habits over outcomes. You stretch toward the future by intending, bringing it into reality through action or habits.
Setting a transformational goal is like creating a beacon of light where you focus when the work gets challenging, and it is what keeps you going. The right one will be strong enough to pick you up when the times get tough. And they may.
STEP ONE: START WITH A PROBLEM AND A DESIRE FOR CHANGE
The first step toward transformation is acknowledging that you have a problem in life that is causing unfavorable consequences. It may be challenging, but nothing will change if you don’t recognize it.
Here are a few questions that may resonate with you:
How has your life been since your relationship or marriage ended?
Do you feel like your life is spiraling out of control, and you keep repeating the same things that keep you stuck in your anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, anger, and other negative emotions and don’t know why?
Have you searched for external things, like alcohol, shopping, food, or exercise to fill the void?
You are not alone!
Are you at a point where you deeply want to change but are terrified of the consequences? But if you dig in a bit, can you ask yourself, “Is my felt need for change as strong or stronger than my fear of change and the desire to remain comfortable?” If it is, you’re at a starting point and have the desire for change. What comes next takes a bit of unraveling because the problem or issue you present is covering the one underneath that is keeping you stuck.
When mapping a paradigm, we seek the needs and goals beneath the façade of conscious awareness, for it is the subconscious needs and goals that drive our behavior far more than our explicit ones.
Our subconscious processes take care of our essential life functions and our learned behaviors and habits. In fact, 95% of all our behaviors and reactions happen at the subconscious level.
When we become aware that our subconscious mind is the auto-pilot controlling our life, our conscious thinking can benefit us by becoming more mindful of our choices in what we think, feel, and do.
Identifying and Accepting the Problem
The questions posed above suggest possible presenting problems or issues you may have identified as the source of your pain or discomfort. Identifying a problem is one thing; accepting it, however, is another. A piece of wisdom imparted to me while I was in rehab being treated for alcoholism or substance abuse disorder was acceptance.
From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
“Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation- some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
It is a tall order as your ego wants to stand in the way and “protect” you by leading you away from the problem or issue. When you understand how your paradigm is not serving you, your ego will provide you with all the reasons and justifications to divert your attention to prevent discomfort.
In human psychology, acceptance is a person’s consent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change or protest it.
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.” ~ Carl Jung
The Desire For Change
Pain is a great motivator, and if the pain you are experiencing now is more significant than the perceived discomfort of change, you are ready to begin the transformation process.
But, if you are more comfortable living with your existing problem than taking on something new that requires more pain, you may need assistance to get you there. It is here where I can help deepen your desire for change by asking you what the potential negative consequences would be if you don’t change.
And together, we will create a suitable problem statement that feels right and complete. When the need is felt and a strong desire for transformation is in place, you are ready for the next step on your journey.
Personal paradigms are the lenses through which we see the world, shaping our understanding of how we live in it. Paradigms are guidelines
for our behavior—what we think, feel, and live—that evolve into life patterns. They regulate what you mentally and emotionally hold onto. And many of us are grappling with problems we once could solve but no longer know can.
A personal paradigm is comprised of not only your belief system that has these issues within it but also your needs and goals. Combined, these create your success strategies for taking the actions that result in the outcomes of solving the issues.
There’s only one problem—it doesn’t work for you anymore, and your mindset is stuck—there’s no alternative.
What Creates a Paradigm?
Paradigms form from several places; your environment is one of them. Humans, by design, need protection, and herein lies the nature/nurture equation. The nurture part of this equation is powerful.
Paradigms are shaped by many years of experience and what our parents, teachers, friends, and the world have taught us. Because these teachings are so deeply rooted, it can be problematic for you to recognize when you’re stuck in a paradigm that no longer serves you. Even if someone calls it to your attention, you may deny it as it can be invisible and locked in place.
Your Responses from Hearing “I Want a Divorce” May Have Originated from Your Paradigm
Paradigms are reinforced throughout your lifetime; repetition is the most transparent and straightforward way. Maybe you grew up in a household where it was forbidden or frowned upon to divorce. From as far back as you can remember, no one in your family ever even considered it an option. All you heard and knew growing up was that when you marry, it’s forever.
The paradigm could also be repeated in your culture; for example, divorce is illegal in the Philippines and the Vatican. In the Islam faith, it is a last resort, and in Hinduism, it was forbidden until the Hindu Marriage Act of 1955, and like Catholicism, marriage is a sacrament. However, the latter doesn’t believe in divorce and considers it a sin.
Getting divorced is a failure; you’re a failure, and you don’t know how to get out of this problem.
Other Ways Paradigms are Reinforced
Repetition is the most obvious way a paradigm is reinforced, but there are other ways it happens, and confirmation bias is one of them. Staying with the idea that if you divorce, you’re a failure, you may have heard that through other sources, such as the media or data research.
Confirmation bias involves preferring information that confirms your beliefs (or biases). An example would be meeting two new people, one who is married and the other divorced. You would place greater importance on the
married woman and deem her as successful in life, and you view the divorced woman as a failure. High regard is placed on looking for evidence and interpreting information that supports this.
Paradigms are also reinforced by a preference to choose friends who agree with you and the desire for comfort. When there’s no conflict, you can relax and be at ease with the patterns you’ve taken on.
Along with the belief that you’re a failure if you get a divorce, you may also believe that everyone abandons or rejects you, life isn’t fair, you are nothing without a spouse, etc.
Paradigms are the lens through which you see the world and hold onto them because they work and they’re comfortable. Creating an alternative paradigm requires a shift in perspective, which may seem overwhelming to you or too much work.
“Paradigms are powerful because they create the lens through which we see the world.” ~ Steven Covey
