Step Six: Experiment and Find a More Expansive Paradigm
You are now at a point where a shift in your paradigm can occur. To move on, you need to have gratitude for the paradigm you’re releasing. When you’re grateful for something, you smile. When you smile,
there’s no judgment.
“The way to move out of judgment is to move into gratitude.” ~ Neal Donald Walsh
Two factors prevent transformation:
Lack of ownership
Self-judgment/high inner critic
You most likely have a limiting paradigm because your success strategies have been reinforced by justifying them, believing you’re right and everyone else is wrong or having blind spots.
Exploring Alternative Paradigms
Four factors that can ignite a paradigm shift:
The current paradigm doesn’t work anymore
General dissatisfaction with life
The discovery of a better way
An environment of diversity
Most people don’t choose to change their paradigms mainly because they aren’t aware of them, and they’ve held onto them their entire lives. Plus, they don’t live in an environment conducive to change. As your transformational coach, I hold the setting for change where you can recognize and detach from your paradigm.
Posing specific questions begins the process of examining other paradigms where you are encouraged to become open and curious. You may be offered a different way of looking at things rather than a recommendation. The point is that you will be invited to take a broader view of how things could work differently in your life to give you the desired outcomes.
The Elements of a More Expansive Paradigm
According to Keith Merron, in his book, The Art of Transformational Caching, a more expansive paradigm has the following five characteristics:
Spacious and expansive: It is, by definition, more holistic. It considers all the relevant variables and seeks to create a win-win-win outcome—I win, you win, we win.
Generous: It has the feature of being in service to others and the whole system.
Generative: It tends to help you and the people around you to learn and grow.
Life-affirming and life-giving: It leaves you more encouraged, vital, and alive.
Sustainable: It takes into account the long view.
In this framework,
you might be asked to reflect on how you could stretch and expand a new paradigm to make you more spacious and expansive and what would leave you feeling more generous and effective.
Our Strategies are Self-Sealing
Because your success strategies work in your eyes, releasing them is challenging. You may justify them in various ways, think you’re always right, and find ways to deny they are there. Blind spots are buried deep in your paradigms.
Your personal paradigm is so strong that it causes you to bend the truth to adapt to how you view yourself and the world. You unconsciously pick and choose the indicators to bolster your views and throw out conflicting facts. It is how a blind spot becomes self-sealing.
Methods for Breaking Out of Self-Sealing Paradigms
Three methods that will help you explore, experiment, and break out of your self-sealing paradigms are:
Through imagination
Through role-playing
Through trying it out, experimenting with it
Imagination
You can construct an alternative way of seeing your paradigm using your imagination. What would it look like? What would it feel like? What would it feel like if you were
operating from a different paradigm?
In the safe space of your mind, you can then start to explore what that would look like and find other possible choices. It involves identifying and adopting new assumptions and thinking more broadly.
Essentially, if you want a different outcome in life, it will require different thinking, which results in a change of behavior and produces a new outcome. Through imagination, you can create a fresh paradigm.
Role-Playing
Role-playing encompasses practice, exploration, and deeper learning. Think of it as a form of play and discovery where you can expand your self-awareness and how you relate to the world.
An example might be: “Can you think of anyone in your life with whom you constantly have problematic situations that you would like to examine?” As the coach, I would not perfectly play this person’s role, and I would begin by asking you how you might look to respond differently when provoked by this person.
As the role-playing progresses, there are pauses to reflect and discuss what you noticed about yourself and what you experienced. We would continue to role-play, pausing and reflecting until you feel complete.
Trying it Out
Trying it out or experimenting with it is just that. There are somatic forms, such as dance, movement, and action. An example might be: “Can you ask someone to do something for you instead of you doing it for them?” How do you feel when you think about doing that, and can you do it?
Then, in the next session, discuss what worked and what didn’t work. Experimenting with it starts to stretch you, and the debrief stretches you more.
At this point, you have enough information to begin mapping out a new, authentic paradigm. That process will be explained in the next post.
Step Five comes into play after you have examined the forces that created your behavior pattern or paradigm. You are now prepared to question it deeply and let it go, or you may feel clear about the pattern but don’t know if
you’re ready to release it.
“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” ~ Deepak Chopra
Letting go of your current paradigm may be challenging as you may have been holding onto it throughout your transformational journey. It is where you must begin to look at and confront how you have been indoctrinated with your beliefs.
Holding on Tightly to Our Socially Constructed Patterns
Many beliefs that form your paradigm have been constructed through your social and cultural norms, and you may believe them to be absolute truths, as they have tremendous power. But they become invisible to you because it’s something you just do.
You don’t think twice that when you meet someone, you reach your hand out to shake the other person’s, don’t invade someone’s personal space, or always flush the toilet when you’re done. You don’t see or examine these social norms in your life; they just are.
Holding on Tightly to Our Personal Paradigms
As the saying goes for changing something in your life, “You’ve got to name it to claim it,” so, too, for creating a paradigm shift. Once identified, the decision then is to let it go if you are willing.
Herein lies the strength or lack of your ego. By strength, I don’t mean big; it takes a strong ego to allow another person’s opposite point of view or belief not to upset or enrage you. If your ego is big, it’s most likely weak, and you’ll hold onto your beliefs, having to prove yourself right. You’re more apt to hold on tightly to your paradigm if your ego is weak.
If your ego is weaker, your defense mechanisms may be gently questioned, and you’ll be guided to look within yourself to see what may be causing you to react.
Questioning Your Paradigm
Questioning your paradigm is where you must recognize you have a problem or issue and dare to face the pain that is part of the transformational process. But that is not enough to create lasting change in many people. Even though this particular behavior pattern now limits you, it was once a “success strategy” for you.
To embrace a new paradigm requires letting go of the old one, and letting go of the old one may require honoring it for how it did serve you in your life. You’ll be helped with identifying its strengths so you can discover ways to keep them.
Sometimes, knowing how a paradigm served you is not strong enough for you to let it go. When you identify how it limits you, you invite the contemplation required to understand what’s happening and its purpose.
Going a step further, when you see how the paradigm has been your teacher, it loses its grip over you, becoming more like a friend or a partner. When you see the paradigm has been in place to teach you a lesson, once you learn it, there isn’t a need for it anymore. Here is the turning point where letting it go becomes possible.
Voice Dialogue
Voice Dialogue, a system created by Hal and Sidra Stone to understand ourselves more deeply, is a method that helps you arrive at this point. Humans are comprised of many parts in the psyche, and one of your parts will be called out to have a conversation—usually the part driving the interaction.
There are many voices inside our heads, and the more you have a dialogue with them, the more you understand yourself. The more you know yourself, the more you can make conscious decisions. When you are helped to see all your parts without judging them, you can see yourself—all of your selves.
You are now ready to let go of your old paradigm and create a new, more expansive one.
STEP FOUR: OWN THE PATTERN AND THE PROCESS OF LEARNING
To become a whole, integrated being, you must get to the root cause of any issue, block, or trauma you may have. You want to treat your entire system, not just the symptoms. In the same way, alcohol was a symptom of my disease; the real problem was me. I had to “get under my hood” and take a long hard look at the actions I took that got me to where I was—sitting in a chair in an AA meeting!
“Beneath every behavior, there is a feeling. And beneath every feeling, there is a need.
And when we meet the need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.”
I had to step up and take responsibility for my health and wellness. I had to own my actions and the outcomes and then learn an entirely new way to live. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
The Necessity to be Active
If you want transformation, you must be the engine of your train and take command. A competent and honest coach will guide you through the process and encourage you to actively engage in your learning and development.
You need to comprehend and acknowledge that the patterns you created during your life are yours and yours alone. It means you made the outcomes you currently have, whether you like them or not.
You will explore your paradigms and learn you can be an active agent of change, transforming yourself. As you are helped, given the space to slow things down and learn tasks to complete, you’ll find yourself having a deeper awareness that will keep you from slipping back into old patterns.
Remember, this is your life and your journey. You’ll need to acknowledge and own your thoughts, feelings, and states of mind to change your behavior patterns.
Learning Tasks
Previously coached, you might have been assigned work to complete before the next session. In transformational coaching, these assignments are called learning tasks, which help you question and challenge what you believe to be valid to grow. Through these tasks, you’ll discover what is hidden beneath the surface. It is similar to shadow work in that you look for, own,
and then see the “gold” that’s been buried for so long.
Four Distinct Learning Tasks
Learning tasks are offered at various stages of your transformational coaching. The four tasks are Observe, Insight, Experiment, and New Habits. Many learning tasks are fashioned for awareness and exploration, while others are designed to help create the possibility of a breakthrough. They are designed to give you control of your transformation and to concentrate on learning what is necessary to complete it.
Observe—the first learning tasks are observational and designed to get the awareness of your pattern, not to understand it, but to see it in action. For example, if you’re uncomfortable speaking in a large group, observe your feelings before and during your talk. Where did you feel nervous? Where did you feel judged? Were you fearful you weren’t coming across well? Explore where you got off-center, and the inner critic comes in.
Insight֫—the next learning task is to provide insight to understand your paradigm—the causes—where and how it gets triggered, and what triggers it. For example, If you are controlling and micro-manage, write down the next time you have the impulse to micro-manage. What is the situation? What are your feelings and desires at that moment? Writing the answers to these questions gives you more awareness of your pattern.
Experiment—the following learning task is to experiment and try out new behaviors or approaches. For example, meet with three people with whom you are uncomfortable raising an issue. Make sure they won’t “blast” you, but you need to confront them. It would help if you wrote down your thoughts and feelings in advance of what you will say and then boldly say it.
New Habits—the last learning task is forming new habits. Once your new paradigm is clear, you need to practice it. For instance, when speaking to a large group, be aware that you are quieting the inner critic. Do mini-practices, and over time the new habit will form.
As you have searched to find the underlying pattern, these learning tasks will help you become aware of what causes them as well as help eliminate them. The learning tasks also provide the spaciousness for new paradigms to arise. The tasks are assigned at the end of the session and debriefed and the beginning of the next session.
Schedule your 1-hour complimentary coaching session now to learn more!
Step Three: Search and Find the Underlying Pattern
(Part 2 of 2)
In Part 1, you learned what a paradigm map was and the type of questions that you would be asked to expand it. Giving the space for exploration and slowing down the process enables you to clearly identify anything you are unaware of and then make conscious decisions.
Part 2 describes finding the underlying patterns, how they formed and are limiting, and exploring paradigms. First, second, and third-order problems will be illustrated as examples of a paradigm’s layers. Going deeper to discover your patterns can be a grand adventure where you’re searching for a new sense of self.
The Process of Finding the Underlying Patterns
When you want to change something, such as a behavior pattern,
you have to go to the causal level of what is activating it. Paradigms commonly form in early childhood and are developed unconsciously as “success strategies” to cope with unhealthy living situations. You would be asked questions that create a desire to examine the root cause of your paradigm. You may be asked questions such as:
What is the current paradigm? (Using the Paradigm Map.)
How did it form, and how did it help you?
How is it limiting you now?
You can start anywhere, but “strategies” is usually a solid place. “Actions” follow “strategies” and then “outcomes.”
How the Paradigm Formed
As previously mentioned, paradigms generally are created in your formative years to help you cope with challenging home life. You may be asked: When did you first notice this behavior pattern? How did the pattern help you manage that time in your life?
To uncover the hidden conditions that locked your paradigm in place, using questions that reveal the layers are posed. They identify what are called first, second, and third-order problems.
First-Order Problem: The first-order problem is your presenting problem, what you are looking to fix. An example might be that you judge yourself, others, and situations.
Second-Order Problem: The second-order problem is the cause of the first-order problem. Staying with the above example might be that you judge because you don’t feel good about yourself and lack self-esteem.
Third-Order Problem: The third-order problem is the pattern that keeps the second-order problem locked in place. You don’t want to face the fact that you keep judging yourself and others because your parents humiliated you repeatedly, which laid the foundation for it to continue in your adult life.
How is the Paradigm Limiting?
You are stuck, and you can’t get past something; it’s created a problem for you. More likely than not, it’s an underlying paradigm causing your stuckness,
and you need to become aware of it to change it.
You already discovered how it helped you deal with situations. Now it’s time to find out how it limits you.
Questions that may be asked:
How is the behavior pattern limited you in life?
What beliefs do you have that you’ve never questioned? Are they true? How do you know they are true?
What are some of the underlying thoughts and beliefs that keep shaping this pattern?
Exploring Paradigms
The key to exploring paradigms is to have enough space within a safe container that will allow you to do a deeper dive into the pattern. A skillful coach will provide
that field of safety while asking questions that explore how the patterns manifest or show up while guiding you to be present with your feelings.
Please reach out and connect with me if you have any questions—or schedule a complimentary 15-minute discovery call for more information.
Step Three: Search and Find the Underlying Pattern (Part 1 of 2)
Now that you’ve identified a problem and set a clear transformational goal for your life, it’s time to explore the underlying patterns of your paradigm, which may be locked in place and invisible. Most paradigms are formed in early childhood, so you may find yourself revisiting this time of life.
“All life is a pattern …but we cannot always see the pattern when we are a part of it.” ~ Belva Plain
As your partner in the exploration, I will ask probing questions such as:
What assumptions have you made that helped create the current paradigm?
What does the paradigm look like?
What beliefs do you have that created your behavior patterns?
When did these behavior patterns first appear?
What has prevented you from confronting this pattern?
Many other insightful questions can be posed, but these are a solid start. We are not looking for the cause or solution here, just exploring the aspects of your paradigm. You’ll be given the paradigm map to begin filling out.
The Current Paradigm Map here is a sample of a partial paradigm map for you to understand how it works.
The Space of Exploration
Think of exploring your paradigm as a glorious event, not something you dread. Since this is your journey, you’ll be given and held space to question and examine areas of your life. The space will be safe, so beliefs that no longer serve you can be eliminated, allowing you to look at others and see if they are more appropriate for you.
Given the freedom and spaciousness to be inquisitive, you’ll be able to use your creativity to help discover some of the answers that lock your paradigm in place. The spaciousness is the field of pure potentiality.
Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there lies a field. I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi
When you are ready for a paradigm shift, knowing you are held in a safe space or container is highly critical, one you can trust. When things get emotional, and they will, knowing you have a non-judgmental and compassionate ear that understands what you’re going through is essential. There’s no path forward for your journey of exploration if you don’t have trust.
When you are in a safe environment with a trusted listener, you’ll have the freedom to probe and explore uncomfortable feelings and emotions essential to any healing. You may be nudged but never pushed.
The approach to discovering your underlying paradigm is tailored for you. You will be met right where you are and not where you have never been before, which will come later.
Slowing It Down to Find the Pattern
You will be listened to and heard if you get activated or triggered. The process will be slowed but not stopped. Something profound needs to be addressed, and you must explore it. You may want to answer my probing questions quickly, but know they are surface deflections.
To get to the root cause determining your paradigm is similar to peeling the layers of skin of an onion; you deal with them one at a time and then move on to the next. It also depends on how ingrained and locked in place the paradigm is. There is no one-size-fits-all way to find it. Some may be discovered quickly, some slowly, but they will always be found if you work for it.
Also, slowing down the process allows the space for you to answer intuitive questions and not be controlled by your unconscious or automatic responses. Making wise decisions leads to desirable consequences and results.
In Part 2, The Process of Finding the Underlying Pattern, How the Paradigm Formed, and more, will be laid out for you in a simple and easy-to-understand manner. I look forward to sharing it with you. Please reach out and connect with me if you have any questions—or schedule a complimentary 15-minute discovery call for more information.
“You’re transforming old patterns of your mind and letting go of thoughts you don’t need to have around any longer.” Anonymous
The second step in your transformational journey is to set a transformational goal. You’ve already identified your problem and declared you have a desire for change. So now, what do you want your life to look and feel like? What are your deepest desires, dreams, and higher aspirations?
See if any of these ring true to you. They are clearly defined. Can you picture what it would look and feel like to have achieved any of them? (The unclear, vague goals are listed in parentheses.)
I want to have compassion and empathy for myself and others, especially those with whom I have had problematic relationships or encounters. (I want to be a nicer person.)
I want to express myself authentically and have the courage to set boundaries and live a purposeful life. (I want to speak my truth.)
I want to embody myself fully by experiencing, breathing, and being grounded so I can live a life of abundance. (I want to get out of my head.)
Setting this type of goal differs from SMART goals in a couple of ways. First, it may or may not be specific; second, it may or may not be time-bound. There are, however, four factors that go into transformational goal setting. They are:
The nature of a healthy goal
Involving the right people
The right size and scope of the goal
The importance of intention
The Nature of a Healthy Goal
“Set a goal so meaningful that it creates a drive inside of you. A drive to become better and stronger.”
Science has shown that when healthy goals are future-focused and you envision a positive outcome, neuroplasticity creates new neural pathways, which drive you to achieve them.
There are several factors of healthy transformational goals.
They are meaningful. A meaningful goal makes you more authentic and effective, helping you transform into a better person. You look to find a reason beyond yourself to impact everything in your outer world. They are emotional and inspire your inner drive and a sense of purpose.
They are precisely expressed. Vague goals produce vague results. When you have a plan such as “I want to be a better person,” it not precise. Better than what? Or “I want to improve my writing.” Improve what, editing, content, grammar, etc.? All goals need to be clear, concise, and action-oriented and be expressed so that there is little doubt about the specific outcome that is being sought.
They are compelling. Compelling goals help us find ways of meeting them. Who do you want to be once you’ve achieved it? They evoke the excitement of being on a glorious journey.
They result in a more spacious way of being. You can see a bigger picture with a more expansive perspective and variables with these goals, and you have a more comprehensive view to consider.
Involving the Right People
When supported by others, transformation occurs more dynamically. There’s accountability and sharing your goals with the right people to see if they are right for you. Paradigms can be invisible, and you may have blind spots, so including others can furnish extra awareness.
Additionally, others most likely already know your behavior patterns and can provide feedback on how you are progressing. The input is invaluable information for your transformation.
The Right Size of a Transformational Goal
A transformational goal that is too large may cause you to become overwhelmed and not even start the process. If it’s too little, it’s most likely not a transformation, and transformation is a process that takes time, usually 6 to 9 months.
Examples of a Transformational Goal
The following are examples of transformational goals:
I want to trust myself and others by being vulnerable, feeling safe and secure, and focusing on positivity.
I want the ability to set strong boundaries and not allow people to take advantage of my good-hearted nature.
Learning to be successful while making mistakes instead of striving for perfection is what I yearn for.
I want to have compassion for others and myself, knowing I am becoming the best version of myself—one who stands tall and has self-esteem.
The Importance of Intention
You may have heard of The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Using the power of intention means deliberately thinking thoughts now of the future you want. Intention creates more success, particularly as you focus on habits over outcomes. You stretch toward the future by intending, bringing it into reality through action or habits.
Setting a transformational goal is like creating a beacon of light where you focus when the work gets challenging, and it is what keeps you going. The right one will be strong enough to pick you up when the times get tough. And they may.
