One morning last week, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast, when I picked up the new O’ magazine. An article by Elizabeth Gilbert caught my attention. It was titled, “The View from Here”, and she wrote how “the older she got, the less interested she was in investigating the truth about our lives, and the more interested in the way we see that truth”.
The article stirred a childhood memory I had with my father. When I was in sixth grade, I was allowed to learn to play a musical instrument. There was one caveat; there was a three year commitment. As I saw my brother, who in my eyes, was a definite commitaphobe, stick it out with the drums, I was eager to begin saxophone lessons. It was 1969 and 12-year old girls didn’t play saxophone; it wasn’t very “feminine”, my dad said. He suggested I learn the flute or clarinet, befitting of my gender and age.
What is the truth? The truth is, it was 1969 and 12 year old girls (in Parochial school, no less) didn’t play saxophone. And just as Elizabeth Gilbert states, “What seems to matter in the end is not so much what happens to us, but how we perceive what happens to us. That perception, ultimately , becomes the world we will inhabit.” And in the end, I didn’t play the saxophone, and even though I really loathed playing the clarinet, it wasn’t playing the clarinet that I remember, as much as it was my perception of what my father said to me.
Years later, when I mentioned this incident to him, he laughed and said, “Deb-Deb, I never said that the saxophone wasn’t feminine and you couldn’t play it.” I just grinned and smiled, having learned so much from Don Miguel Ruiz’s , “The Four Agreements”: When you remember something one way, that is your truth. When someone remembers it a different way, they are not wrong any more than you are. They simply perceive the truth a different way.
Have you ever held onto anger when you’ve been cut off by another car? I have, and it wasn’t a pretty sight. My stomach would knot, my chest felt like it was about to explode, and I would bless the driver with my middle finger. It was a personal attack on me. So personal, I knew they planned to cut me, Debbie Gill, off, on Friday, August 13, 1999, at the on-ramp of Rte. 1 and I-95 precisely at 4:46 pm! The anger and resentment overflowed within me. As a result, I took my rage out on unsuspecting and undeserving people, such as my partner, friends, and parents.
There are many other ways I cultivated resentments: having expectations, trying to control others and not being able to, and being betrayed by a lover or spouse, to name a few. Needless to say, I wasn’t a pleasant person to be around. It wasn’t until the following year, when, after an 8-month relapse, that I understood the meaning of an expression from AA (not Buddha, as most people think), “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The quote I love the most is, “Resentment is when you’re an asshole in a bad neighborhood!” You resend the hurt over and over, the story gets bigger and bigger, and the “offender” has no clue; they’re off somewhere in the world having a great time! Now tell me, who’s hurting who?
How did I let go of the anger and resentment? It wasn’t easy and may take time, but be patient with yourself. The following steps are the ones I took to overcome this significant barrier to peace and serenity:
Step 1. Follow Step 3 in the AA 12-step program: “Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to care of God as I understand Him.” This step is a biggie, but it is the cornerstone of my “letting go.” “Let go and let God.”
Step 2. Realize you have a choice: hold onto the anger and resentment, ruminating about it, or release it by reflecting on why someone may have wronged you; sit with the hurt so you can then choose to forgive. Think of several redeeming qualities the person who harmed you has.
Step 3. There’s a wise story in the back called “Freedom From Bondage in the Big Book of AA.” A profound betrayal deeply wounded me, so much I wanted revenge. My sponsor told me to read this story. The gist of it is: “Get down on your knees and pray for that person – even if you don’t mean it. Do this every morning and night for two weeks,” and the resentment will begin to recede, which leads to:
Step 4. Forgiveness. You choose to forgive the other person, not for them, nor condone what they did. But forgiveness is necessary for you to open your heart to love again. And my dear friend, love is all we need.
As I near the 6th anniversary of my first yoga class in June, I am amazed by what my practice has given me. When I take a glance back, I see a shell of a woman wracked with pain, who depended on 15 pills, 7 of which were narcotic, just to get through the day. It was at this despondent time when I contemplated the best way for me to “check-out.” What delivered me from certain death was committing to a yoga practice where I showed up five days a week, no matter what. Johnny, my instructor, would encourage me to “work through the pain.” As challenging, and sometimes unbearable, as it was, I did what I was told to do, just as I did when I first came into the rooms of AA. I checked my ego at the door, and while humbling, taking direction and not being in the driver’s seat was also a source of my most significant growth.
As a result of my commitment to a regular yoga practice, several changes have occurred. First, my physical body transformed from a rigid, steel-like frame to one more supple and pliable. I became aware of my posture and the way I walked and moved. Ujjayi breathing increased my lung capacity and respiration dramatically, as well as my balance. Next, yoga aided my emotional well-being as it allowed me to become more mindful and live in the present while improving my mind-body connection. I’ve become more self-aware and self-confident. My intuitive abilities have also increased. Finally, yoga has given me the courage to go deeper within, exploring unknown parts of myself while generating a deeper connection with God. It’s cleared my chakras or energy centers, and I’ve fostered a greater sense of purpose in life. I have a greater appreciation for everything around me, as well as a more profound sense of gratitude.
The past 6 years have not been all easy or a bed of roses; nothing worthwhile in life is. But one thing I know for sure if you want a happier, healthier, and more fulfilled life in your physical, emotional, and spiritual realms, commit to a regular yoga practice. Don’t quit before the magic happens….it will happen…it may come quicker for some, but it will ALWAYS happen if you work for it.
Needless to say, I wasn’t a pleasant person to be around. It wasn’t until the following year, when, after an 8-month relapse, that I understood the meaning of an expression from AA (not Buddha, as most people think), “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The quote I love the most is, “Resentment is when you’re an asshole in a bad neighborhood!” You resend the hurt over and over, the story gets bigger and bigger, and the “offender” has no clue; they’re off somewhere in the world having a great time! Now tell me, who’s hurting who?
