If you’re still in the throes of chaos and feeling less than, you are not alone. I’ve been there, as have others before me, and others will continue after me. It’s painful, and it hurts—and you don’t want to feel it anymore. I know.
I also know that you must feel your feelings to heal. You see, I’ve learned something about them. Take anger, for example. You weren’t angry before you heard the words, “I want a divorce.” Well, maybe not that angry.
So this anger comes from nothingness, and it becomes something. That something is inside of you, and you hold onto it. And your resistance keeps it from moving forward. But that something doesn’t want to stay inside of you. It intends to complete its life cycle like everything else. But you don’t allow it to.
When you feel the anger fully and then let it go, you allow the anger to return to the nothingness it once was.
The life cycle of your anger is then complete.
This is true of every feeling you have, and although it’s simple, it’s not easy to do. I encourage you to do your best to allow the anger, grief, sadness, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment to complete their life cycles.
There is a way out.
It can be accomplished where you have profound and enduring transformation by employing the 7 Step Path to Reclaim Your Self-Esteem, which I will outline here. The primary goal of this type of coaching is to shift a deeply held personal paradigm marked by a limiting belief to a more expansive and effective one that opens up new opportunities to live a life fully and well.
What is a paradigm?
In the container I have set forth here, a personal paradigm is a set of beliefs, assumptions, theories, or points of view that shape each person’s choices. Your response, or its level, may be rooted in your paradigms, which are difficult to see. They exist in your subconscious, and you rarely examine them.
During the 7 Step Path to Reclaim Your Self-Esteem, together, we will create a paradigm map for you to explore and fill out. [See Figure A.] I will describe each step in the process for the following seven weeks so you can decide if it’s something you want to learn more about.
Figure A
Warning: There is no quick and easy fix, but I guarantee you’ll have a lasting transformation if you do the work.
The following steps briefly describe the process of what is entailed to create a new, glorious life for yourself.
Step One: Start with a problem or desire to change. What problem do you want to solve or the pattern you want to change? Why do you want to change it?
Step Two: Establish a transformational goal or vision. What is your purpose in solving the problem? What about life do you want to be different?
Step Three: Search and discover the underlying pattern. How did this pattern emerge for you, and how has it served you? How has it limited you?
Step Four: Own the pattern and the process of learning. Do you understand that you created this pattern consciously or unconsciously and that to change it will require you to own it fully? Do you recognize that you have to put yourself in the “driver’s seat” to change this pattern?
Step Five: Question the current paradigm and identify possible new paradigms. Let’s imagine an entirely different way of seeing and being that will fundamentally shift the pattern. What would it look like and feel like?
Step Six: Experiment to find a more expansive paradigm. Now that you see a different personal paradigm let’s learn how to practice and implement it.
Step Seven: Form new habits. Now that your new paradigm seems to be working let’s make it a deeply ingrained habit so that you don’t revert to the old paradigm.
A good transformation will take you to a different way of seeing and being—with possibilities that didn’t exist in your prior way of being. The journey of transformation, where you reclaim your self-esteem and more, takes time and courage.
I look forward to the possibility of creating magic with you one day as you follow along and see how the process unfolds.
To learn more, schedule your complimentary 1-hour coaching call today.
The revelation, that was at death’s doorstep,and a moment of clarity, led me to say the three most challenging words I ever uttered, “I need help!”
In and of itself, divorce is enough to bury someone deep in dark places. Couple that with addiction, and you have a recipe for disaster.
But after waving a white flag of surrender, I felt my fears begin to ebb. I knew there was a tough road ahead for me, but I also knew it was an improvement over my current circumstances.
Transformation is a process that takes time. Knowing I am not unlike many people in the world who want a quick and easy fix for their problems, I needed to practice being patient and living in the present moment, which was my starting point.
I consciously decided to do what I was directed to do, even if I didn’t want to. After all, my best thinking led to my actions, which gave me the undesirable outcome I found myself in. I needed to change that, and it wouldn’t happen overnight.
Following the steps to sobriety was first on my agenda; recovery from divorce came after. After nine months in recovery—the same amount of time I spent suffering from the throes of being divorced and relapsing—I had an epiphany.
My thoughts were changing; my behavior and actions were changing; I was changing!
Now I was ready to work on the forgiveness necessary for the healing caused by the divorce. I knew there was more to do; I didn’t quite yet know what, though.
It wasn’t until someone told me that my ex-husband was living with the woman with whom he had an affair that I felt the anger and humiliated pierce my heart like an invisible dagger. I wanted to exact revenge, but knew to do so would do me more harm than good. So I did what I thought I couldn’t do—ask God to bestow upon him—and her—all the blessings that I had been given. I did this every morning and night for two straight weeks.
The resentment began to lift. It was a sign I was headed in the right direction.
I wanted more healing now that I had the foundational blocks, so I started to go beyond the 12 Steps. I became interested in raising my awareness and what miracals can happen when you shift your perception. It was extremely intriguing and I began to further my inner journey of healing.
Still saddled with the feeling of being victimized, not only
physically and emotionally, but financially by my ex, I wanted to let that go and forgive him. But first, I had to forgive myself, which I thought I had done. Not so fast. There was so much more to excavate and uncover.
After a year or so of self-discovery, I had found the gift of forgiveness. It’s not what you would call traditional forgiveness, where someone does something wrong and you forgove for the sake of forgiving. No, that wasn’t what I found. I acquired something much deeper and meaningful; two souls who were contracted in life for one to teach the other a lesson. This is called radical forgiveness.
The gift of my husband’s infidelity, divorce request, and me relapsing after 17 years was one where I healed from childhood wounds and trauma I never knew existed, discovered my true purpose in life and became the person I am today—who I love!
The words feel like a punch to my solar plexus, knocking the wind and life force out of me. I can’t feel myself breathe, and the pain in my jaw is visceral. Fear grips every inch of my body, like a vise holding my guts. As soon as I can feel my breath again, I realize everything in my life is slipping away; I’m slipping away.
I can taste the saltiness of tears trickling down my cheeks as the silence is deafening. When I ask my husband, “What did I do?‘ repeatedly, I hear the echo of my pleas. Life as I knew it is ending,
and the agony of rejection and abandonment rips through my heart; as each second passes, I feel it being torn apart, bit by bit, into tiny little pieces.
Though the energy in the air is acute and his decision firm, I don’t want to believe my husband is filing for divorce, and I’ll do anything to stop him. As he stood to leave the room, I fell to my knees in a last act of desperation and grabbed his pant leg, sobbing, “You promised you’d never leave me!”
He continues to walk away devoid of any emotion, dragging me until I let go and collapse into a heap of nothingness and humiliation on the floor. I’m an empty shell, physically present but barren of any inner essence.
My marriage is ending; it’s over, finished, done. And I’m ending, too. There’s no way out for me; there’s nowhere to go, there’s nowhere to turn.
“What do I do now?”
I returned to a familiar behavior pattern—forcing the paralyzing feelings of abandonment and rejection down, bottling them up, and returning to the “look good” little girl I know so well. I shut down emotionally. If I don’t feel, I can’t be hurt anymore. Shutting down also protected me from feeling bad about myself—that I’m a failure.
I go on dates, drink wine, and maybe even do a little cocaine. It numbs my pain and the shame I had
about my divorce and self-loathing. I isolated myself from family and friends because of my increased drinking and because I was humiliated and ashamed and didn’t want them to know my torment or the lonely world I lived in.
My life continued to spiral downward for the next nine months, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I received the divorce decree. I fell into deep despair and had no memory for the following two weeks. It wasn’t until I visited a friend after having my locks changed and passed out that I knew I had hit rock bottom. I woke up the next day and realized I had left my two dogs all day and night without any food, water, or way to relieve themselves. I was a monster!
I hit rock bottom and despised who I had become. In less than nine months, the person I thought died when I heard those four knife-life words was literally at death’s doorstep.
When explaining why you didn’t tell a friend what you reallythought about something personal to them, have you ever said: “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings?” I’m sure, like most people, you have at one point in your life, and perhaps you still do. I want to be honest with you:
YOU CAN’T HURT SOMEONE ELSE’S FEELINGS!
I will tell you why. It’s because you’re a People Pleaser, and the Saboteurin you thinks it’s better to save someone else from feeling bad than for you to tell them the truth. But your AccompliceSaboteur, the Pleaser, is lying to you, and that is its job. And, since this paradigm formed when you were a young child, it may be locked into place and even invisible to you.
People with this pattern may have created it as a ‘success’ strategy. You may have grown up hearing, “You’re badif you hurt someone’s feelings.” Another similar, usually unspoken rule is “Never hurt someone’s feeling!” It implies (and you take on the belief), “You are responsible for other people’s feelings and comfort.”
That’s a huge load to take on as a child and into adulthood.
I would suggest a healthier belief and rule: “You are responsible for your own behavior, feelings, and comfort.” And as a co-dependant-no-more, I have found that honesty truly is the best policy. I have learned that I am responsible for my feelings and not for other people’s. I am responsible for telling them the truth; how they deal with what I tell them is their responsibility.
Here’s an example that is more common than not: You’re in a relationship, and you want to break it off, and the problem is you don’t want to hurt the
other person’s feelings. So you don’t tell them, perhaps hoping they get the “hint.” I can tell you from personal experience the longer you are silent, the more pain you’ll wind up inflicting on the other person.
WHY? HOW?
Honesty is the best policy.
If the other person wants a more intense relationship or to continue the relationship, and you don’t, you need to be clear and honest about what you do or don’t want. You can tell the person what they can expect from you—ending the relationship or cooling it down—if that is what you want to do. How the person deals with it is their issue.Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
The longer you put off telling someone the truth, the more painful it is to them. Ask yourself, “Did I do that out of “kindness” to spare the person’s feelings?” or was it to avoid guilt from the childhood belief that you “never hurt another person’s feelings?”
If you feel a twitch, pinch, or stirring in your gut, you know the answer—and the truth.
Schedule your complimentary 60-minute coaching session now!
Have you ever reacted to people or situations in a not-so-nice manner and wished you could take it back?
Do you judge yourself, others, or circumstances?
Do you self-sabotage unconsciously?
Like most people, you answered yes to at least one of the above questions, which means there may be more room for more success and happiness in your life.
And, there is a solution to that problem! It’s called Mental Fitness, and there’s a program for it that will give you the outcome you desire. I encourage you to check out the 2-minute video below.
Mental fitness is the ability to face life’s challenges with a positive mindset
rather than a negative one. As the video explains, you can increase your ability to have a more optimistic attitude through a 6-week program to rewire the brain’s neural pathways through a process called neuroplasticity. You’ll form new habits through consistent daily practice.
There are 10 Saboteurs, including the Judge, who is the master along with 9 Accomplices and 5 Sage Powers. Your Saboteurs turn your greatest strengths into your most significant weaknesses by abusing or overusing them.
For example, the Pleaser abuses/overuses empathy. Their natural strength is that they are deeply empathic people. Empathy is a significant power when used by the Sage. But when that power is overused, it becomes the Pleaser.
Or take the Stickler, who overuses or abuses being orderly and organized. When used by the Sage, organization and being orderly is a strength that is used to serve their families and the world.
I encourage you to schedule your complimentary presentation on how the Mental Fitness Program can change the trajectory of your life and create more success and happiness for you.
The Mental Fitness program helped me become more empathetic, curious, creative, clear-headed, and laser-focused when I needed to take action. I can face any challenge in front of me with a more positive mindset and turn it into a gift and opportunity. You will be able to as well.
Make the move. Schedule your presentation—a new life is waiting for you!
Have you tried to set goals each year only to see them flounder even before January is over?
Do you want to start on the right foot and stay there throughout 2022?
Before you set your goals for the year, you need to address the issues that caused you to fall short of them in prior years. Reflect on what you did or didn’t do, such as setting unrealistic goals or having no measurable means for them. You may want to earn $1M in 2022, but if you only made $50,000 the year before, that’s an impracticable goal. Goals that have no clear direction include being healthy and fit or having more fun in life; they lack specificity.
“A goal without a plan is only a dream.” ~ Brian Tracy
HOW TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS
START SMALL. If you need $5,000 for a vacation, write down how much you’ll need to save. Then start by putting away $50 a week for four weeks. The following month increase it to $100, and add to it every month, even if it’s minimal. If you want to cut your sugar intake, go without sugar for one day a week, then two days the next week, and so on. The point is, you’re setting measurable goals and developing a habit of achieving them. You’ll then be mentally prepared to take on larger targets, such as buying a luxury BMW or a new oceanfront home. Set goals that inspire and motivate you.
WRITE THEM DOWN. Scientific studies have proven that people who write down their goals have a much better chance of attaining them. Writing down goals happens on two levels: encoding and external storage.
External storage is the paper that reminds you of the goals you’ve written, while encoding goes deeper. In short, when you write things down, there is a much greater chance of them being remembered.
VISUALIZE WHAT YOU WANT. You can use many visualization techniques, but two of my favorites are Visualizing Yourself Succeeding Your Goals and Creating a Vision Board. To use the power of visualization effectively, take a few minutes each morning and evening to clearly visualize what your life will look like, as well as how you will feel, achieving your goal. A vision board is typically a collection of photographs and images that narrow your focus and remind you of your dreams. Your vision board should focus on how you want to feel, not just on what you want. However, the more your board focuses on how you want to feel, the more it will come to life.
IDENTIFY ANY BLOCKS YOU MAY HAVE. If you set the same goals every year and fail to reach them, you’re being held back by something. Once identified, you’ll need to take the time and discover what that something is and take the steps necessary to overcome that or any other roadblocks
in your way. For example, maybe you haven’t launched a new course because you haven’t had the time or focus. Look for the cause. Did you allow other things to eat into your time and energy? Did you fail to set boundaries around your working hours? Take some time and reflect on the WHY.
CREATE MILESTONES AND TRACK PROGRESS. Charting your progress gives you little “wins” to celebrate, encouraging you to continue. When you divide your goals into small achievable steps, they feel more attainable, and reaching each one creates the momentum you need to keep moving forward. And establishing a method for tracking your goals is essential for knowing whether you’re progressing or not.
TAKE ACTION EVERY DAY. Use Jack Canfield’sSuccess Principle #23, Practice the Rule of 5. Here’s how it works: Every day, identify five specific things you will accomplish to get closer to your goal and don’t call it quits until you cross each one off your list. If you take five chops with an ax to a giant redwood each day, eventually, it will be
felled. The same is true with whatever you want to achieve. Each day you’ll get closer and closer to achieving your goals.
HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM. Trying to accomplish a goal entirely by yourself can be lonely and overwhelming. Tell everyone who will listen to your plans and how you intend to bring them to fruition. The more people you tell, the better chance someone may assist you in surpassing your target. Also, having support leads to accountability, 8. which helps you make steady progress as you strive toward your goals.
PREPARE AND ADJUST FOR SETBACKS. No matter how clear your path is or how inspired and motivated you are when you first set out on your journey, the chances are high that something will come along and throw a curveball your way that diverts your chosen path.
Life happens! That’s why it’s vital to check in with yourself periodically to ensure you’re still on track. Reviewing your goals weekly and readjusting them as needed will ensure that you move closer to your ambitions.
CHALLENGE YOURSELF. If you are completing all the steps necessary to reach your goals and still haven’t made the headway you desire, think about taking action out of your comfort zone that can launch yourself closer to what you want. Practicing new behaviors will help you create a new life. Doing things that stretch you makes life exciting and makes the feeling of achievement that much sweeter. Don’t be afraid to embrace change and challenge yourself to do something BIG!
REWARD YOURSELF. Working all the time to reach your goals can be draining and tiresome. A way to re-charge your power is to celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may be. When you go the extra mile, reward yourself. Tick it off the list. Your self-confidence will flourish and give you the push to strive even higher and go for bigger goals. Celebrate the completion with something similar; take a walk in nature for 15 minutes if you lost 5 pounds, but don’t take the day off!
Smart goals are Specific—Measurable—Attainable—Relevant—and, Time-bounded. Smart goal setting brings structure to them; they become easy to verify due to their milestones. Implementing them helps ensure you stay focused on achieving realistic goals that will accelerate your progress to achieving your dreams.
S—SPECIFIC
When setting a goal, be specific about what you want to accomplish. It should answer questions, not raise more of them. WHO? Who needs to be involved? WHAT? What exactly are you trying to accomplish or achieve? WHEN? When will you achieve it? WHERE? If there’s a location, where is it? WHY? Why do you want the goal?
M—MEASURABLE
Effective goals are measurable; they should include specific target numbers. For example: How much, by when?
“I want to lose weight” is not a measurable nor effective goal. But “I want to lose 25 pounds by March 1, 2022” is measurable.
Set realistic goals that are possible but stretch your abilities and skills. You may have to learn something that expands on what you already know. When you set attainable goals, you may be able to identify previously overlooked opportunities or resources that can bring you closer to them. You may even have to chunk bigger goals into smaller, more realistic ones that you can achieve within a year or less.
A—ATTAINABLE
Your goal needs to be realistic and attainable to be successful. Determine the factors of what you can actually accomplish within your time and financial limits, and set goals that stretch your abilities. It may even require you to learn a new skill or change your attitude. The goal is meant to inspire motivation, not discouragement. Think about:
How to accomplish the goal
If you have the tools/skills necessary
If not, consider what it would take to attain them
R—RELEVANT
Your goals must be relevant and align with your true purpose and other goals. When they are, you’ll be able to focus on what you need to do to get ahead while keeping your priorities consistent. Questions you can ask yourself are:
Does this seem worthwhile?
Is this the right time?
Does this align with my true purpose/inner self?
Is this the direction I want my life to go?
T—TIME-BOUND
Every goal needs a target date—a specific deadline for achieving it. Committing to a target completion date creates accountability and motivates you to keep moving forward. It means you’ll be able to recognize when
you’ve reached a milestone and helps to prevent everyday tasks from taking priority over your longer-term goals. A time-bound goal will answer these questions:
When is the target date?
What can I do today to move toward it?
What can I do one month from now?
What can I do six months from now?
SMART goal setting is a powerful tool that gives you the clarity, focus, and motivation you need to attain your goals. It gives you the support for knowing how to set and achieve big goals for anything you want in life. What it does not do is take action for you.
You set goals all day long, but unless you take consistent action moving toward them, you’ll remain stuck where you are. Commit to taking 100% responsibility for every aspect of your life and goal-planning. Then choose what you want; decide what actions you will take to create it; take those actions step-by-step until you reach them.
If you find yourself stuck unable to move forward, you may have a limiting belief holding you back. If you’re unsure of what’s blocking you, scheduleyour free 15-minute assessment with me now to determine what it is.
I can help you become unstoppable!
“Life takes on meaning when you become motivated, set goals, and charge after them in an unstoppable manner.” ~ Les Brown
That something is inside of you, and you hold onto it. And your resistance keeps it from moving forward. But that something doesn’t want to stay inside of you. It intends to complete its life cycle like everything else. But you don’t allow it to.
and wished you could take it back?
