The words feel like a punch to my solar plexus, knocking the wind and life force out of me. I can’t feel myself breathe, and the pain in my jaw is visceral. Fear grips every inch of my body, like a vise holding my guts. As soon as I can feel my breath again, I realize everything in my life is slipping away; I’m slipping away.
I can taste the saltiness of tears trickling down my cheeks as the silence is deafening. When I ask my husband, “What did I do?‘ repeatedly, I hear the echo of my pleas. Life as I knew it is ending,
and the agony of rejection and abandonment rips through my heart; as each second passes, I feel it being torn apart, bit by bit, into tiny little pieces.
Though the energy in the air is acute and his decision firm, I don’t want to believe my husband is filing for divorce, and I’ll do anything to stop him. As he stood to leave the room, I fell to my knees in a last act of desperation and grabbed his pant leg, sobbing, “You promised you’d never leave me!”
He continues to walk away devoid of any emotion, dragging me until I let go and collapse into a heap of nothingness and humiliation on the floor. I’m an empty shell, physically present but barren of any inner essence.
My marriage is ending; it’s over, finished, done. And I’m ending, too. There’s no way out for me; there’s nowhere to go, there’s nowhere to turn.
“What do I do now?”
I returned to a familiar behavior pattern—forcing the paralyzing feelings of abandonment and rejection down, bottling them up, and returning to the “look good” little girl I know so well. I shut down emotionally. If I don’t feel, I can’t be hurt anymore. Shutting down also protected me from feeling bad about myself—that I’m a failure.
I go on dates, drink wine, and maybe even do a little cocaine. It numbs my pain and the shame I had
about my divorce and self-loathing. I isolated myself from family and friends because of my increased drinking and because I was humiliated and ashamed and didn’t want them to know my torment or the lonely world I lived in.
My life continued to spiral downward for the next nine months, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I received the divorce decree. I fell into deep despair and had no memory for the following two weeks. It wasn’t until I visited a friend after having my locks changed and passed out that I knew I had hit rock bottom. I woke up the next day and realized I had left my two dogs all day and night without any food, water, or way to relieve themselves. I was a monster!
I hit rock bottom and despised who I had become. In less than nine months, the person I thought died when I heard those four knife-life words was literally at death’s doorstep.
When explaining why you didn’t tell a friend what you reallythought about something personal to them, have you ever said: “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings?” I’m sure, like most people, you have at one point in your life, and perhaps you still do. I want to be honest with you:
YOU CAN’T HURT SOMEONE ELSE’S FEELINGS!
I will tell you why. It’s because you’re a People Pleaser, and the Saboteurin you thinks it’s better to save someone else from feeling bad than for you to tell them the truth. But your AccompliceSaboteur, the Pleaser, is lying to you, and that is its job. And, since this paradigm formed when you were a young child, it may be locked into place and even invisible to you.
People with this pattern may have created it as a ‘success’ strategy. You may have grown up hearing, “You’re badif you hurt someone’s feelings.” Another similar, usually unspoken rule is “Never hurt someone’s feeling!” It implies (and you take on the belief), “You are responsible for other people’s feelings and comfort.”
That’s a huge load to take on as a child and into adulthood.
I would suggest a healthier belief and rule: “You are responsible for your own behavior, feelings, and comfort.” And as a co-dependant-no-more, I have found that honesty truly is the best policy. I have learned that I am responsible for my feelings and not for other people’s. I am responsible for telling them the truth; how they deal with what I tell them is their responsibility.
Here’s an example that is more common than not: You’re in a relationship, and you want to break it off, and the problem is you don’t want to hurt the
other person’s feelings. So you don’t tell them, perhaps hoping they get the “hint.” I can tell you from personal experience the longer you are silent, the more pain you’ll wind up inflicting on the other person.
WHY? HOW?
Honesty is the best policy.
If the other person wants a more intense relationship or to continue the relationship, and you don’t, you need to be clear and honest about what you do or don’t want. You can tell the person what they can expect from you—ending the relationship or cooling it down—if that is what you want to do. How the person deals with it is their issue.Whether or not we tell the person is ours.
The longer you put off telling someone the truth, the more painful it is to them. Ask yourself, “Did I do that out of “kindness” to spare the person’s feelings?” or was it to avoid guilt from the childhood belief that you “never hurt another person’s feelings?”
If you feel a twitch, pinch, or stirring in your gut, you know the answer—and the truth.
Schedule your complimentary 60-minute coaching session now!
Have you ever reacted to people or situations in a not-so-nice manner and wished you could take it back?
Do you judge yourself, others, or circumstances?
Do you self-sabotage unconsciously?
Like most people, you answered yes to at least one of the above questions, which means there may be more room for more success and happiness in your life.
And, there is a solution to that problem! It’s called Mental Fitness, and there’s a program for it that will give you the outcome you desire. I encourage you to check out the 2-minute video below.
Mental fitness is the ability to face life’s challenges with a positive mindset
rather than a negative one. As the video explains, you can increase your ability to have a more optimistic attitude through a 6-week program to rewire the brain’s neural pathways through a process called neuroplasticity. You’ll form new habits through consistent daily practice.
There are 10 Saboteurs, including the Judge, who is the master along with 9 Accomplices and 5 Sage Powers. Your Saboteurs turn your greatest strengths into your most significant weaknesses by abusing or overusing them.
For example, the Pleaser abuses/overuses empathy. Their natural strength is that they are deeply empathic people. Empathy is a significant power when used by the Sage. But when that power is overused, it becomes the Pleaser.
Or take the Stickler, who overuses or abuses being orderly and organized. When used by the Sage, organization and being orderly is a strength that is used to serve their families and the world.
I encourage you to schedule your complimentary presentation on how the Mental Fitness Program can change the trajectory of your life and create more success and happiness for you.
The Mental Fitness program helped me become more empathetic, curious, creative, clear-headed, and laser-focused when I needed to take action. I can face any challenge in front of me with a more positive mindset and turn it into a gift and opportunity. You will be able to as well.
Make the move. Schedule your presentation—a new life is waiting for you!
Have you tried to set goals each year only to see them flounder even before January is over?
Do you want to start on the right foot and stay there throughout 2022?
Before you set your goals for the year, you need to address the issues that caused you to fall short of them in prior years. Reflect on what you did or didn’t do, such as setting unrealistic goals or having no measurable means for them. You may want to earn $1M in 2022, but if you only made $50,000 the year before, that’s an impracticable goal. Goals that have no clear direction include being healthy and fit or having more fun in life; they lack specificity.
“A goal without a plan is only a dream.” ~ Brian Tracy
HOW TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS
START SMALL. If you need $5,000 for a vacation, write down how much you’ll need to save. Then start by putting away $50 a week for four weeks. The following month increase it to $100, and add to it every month, even if it’s minimal. If you want to cut your sugar intake, go without sugar for one day a week, then two days the next week, and so on. The point is, you’re setting measurable goals and developing a habit of achieving them. You’ll then be mentally prepared to take on larger targets, such as buying a luxury BMW or a new oceanfront home. Set goals that inspire and motivate you.
WRITE THEM DOWN. Scientific studies have proven that people who write down their goals have a much better chance of attaining them. Writing down goals happens on two levels: encoding and external storage.
External storage is the paper that reminds you of the goals you’ve written, while encoding goes deeper. In short, when you write things down, there is a much greater chance of them being remembered.
VISUALIZE WHAT YOU WANT. You can use many visualization techniques, but two of my favorites are Visualizing Yourself Succeeding Your Goals and Creating a Vision Board. To use the power of visualization effectively, take a few minutes each morning and evening to clearly visualize what your life will look like, as well as how you will feel, achieving your goal. A vision board is typically a collection of photographs and images that narrow your focus and remind you of your dreams. Your vision board should focus on how you want to feel, not just on what you want. However, the more your board focuses on how you want to feel, the more it will come to life.
IDENTIFY ANY BLOCKS YOU MAY HAVE. If you set the same goals every year and fail to reach them, you’re being held back by something. Once identified, you’ll need to take the time and discover what that something is and take the steps necessary to overcome that or any other roadblocks
in your way. For example, maybe you haven’t launched a new course because you haven’t had the time or focus. Look for the cause. Did you allow other things to eat into your time and energy? Did you fail to set boundaries around your working hours? Take some time and reflect on the WHY.
CREATE MILESTONES AND TRACK PROGRESS. Charting your progress gives you little “wins” to celebrate, encouraging you to continue. When you divide your goals into small achievable steps, they feel more attainable, and reaching each one creates the momentum you need to keep moving forward. And establishing a method for tracking your goals is essential for knowing whether you’re progressing or not.
TAKE ACTION EVERY DAY. Use Jack Canfield’sSuccess Principle #23, Practice the Rule of 5. Here’s how it works: Every day, identify five specific things you will accomplish to get closer to your goal and don’t call it quits until you cross each one off your list. If you take five chops with an ax to a giant redwood each day, eventually, it will be
felled. The same is true with whatever you want to achieve. Each day you’ll get closer and closer to achieving your goals.
HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM. Trying to accomplish a goal entirely by yourself can be lonely and overwhelming. Tell everyone who will listen to your plans and how you intend to bring them to fruition. The more people you tell, the better chance someone may assist you in surpassing your target. Also, having support leads to accountability, 8. which helps you make steady progress as you strive toward your goals.
PREPARE AND ADJUST FOR SETBACKS. No matter how clear your path is or how inspired and motivated you are when you first set out on your journey, the chances are high that something will come along and throw a curveball your way that diverts your chosen path.
Life happens! That’s why it’s vital to check in with yourself periodically to ensure you’re still on track. Reviewing your goals weekly and readjusting them as needed will ensure that you move closer to your ambitions.
CHALLENGE YOURSELF. If you are completing all the steps necessary to reach your goals and still haven’t made the headway you desire, think about taking action out of your comfort zone that can launch yourself closer to what you want. Practicing new behaviors will help you create a new life. Doing things that stretch you makes life exciting and makes the feeling of achievement that much sweeter. Don’t be afraid to embrace change and challenge yourself to do something BIG!
REWARD YOURSELF. Working all the time to reach your goals can be draining and tiresome. A way to re-charge your power is to celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may be. When you go the extra mile, reward yourself. Tick it off the list. Your self-confidence will flourish and give you the push to strive even higher and go for bigger goals. Celebrate the completion with something similar; take a walk in nature for 15 minutes if you lost 5 pounds, but don’t take the day off!
Smart goals are Specific—Measurable—Attainable—Relevant—and, Time-bounded. Smart goal setting brings structure to them; they become easy to verify due to their milestones. Implementing them helps ensure you stay focused on achieving realistic goals that will accelerate your progress to achieving your dreams.
S—SPECIFIC
When setting a goal, be specific about what you want to accomplish. It should answer questions, not raise more of them. WHO? Who needs to be involved? WHAT? What exactly are you trying to accomplish or achieve? WHEN? When will you achieve it? WHERE? If there’s a location, where is it? WHY? Why do you want the goal?
M—MEASURABLE
Effective goals are measurable; they should include specific target numbers. For example: How much, by when?
“I want to lose weight” is not a measurable nor effective goal. But “I want to lose 25 pounds by March 1, 2022” is measurable.
Set realistic goals that are possible but stretch your abilities and skills. You may have to learn something that expands on what you already know. When you set attainable goals, you may be able to identify previously overlooked opportunities or resources that can bring you closer to them. You may even have to chunk bigger goals into smaller, more realistic ones that you can achieve within a year or less.
A—ATTAINABLE
Your goal needs to be realistic and attainable to be successful. Determine the factors of what you can actually accomplish within your time and financial limits, and set goals that stretch your abilities. It may even require you to learn a new skill or change your attitude. The goal is meant to inspire motivation, not discouragement. Think about:
How to accomplish the goal
If you have the tools/skills necessary
If not, consider what it would take to attain them
R—RELEVANT
Your goals must be relevant and align with your true purpose and other goals. When they are, you’ll be able to focus on what you need to do to get ahead while keeping your priorities consistent. Questions you can ask yourself are:
Does this seem worthwhile?
Is this the right time?
Does this align with my true purpose/inner self?
Is this the direction I want my life to go?
T—TIME-BOUND
Every goal needs a target date—a specific deadline for achieving it. Committing to a target completion date creates accountability and motivates you to keep moving forward. It means you’ll be able to recognize when
you’ve reached a milestone and helps to prevent everyday tasks from taking priority over your longer-term goals. A time-bound goal will answer these questions:
When is the target date?
What can I do today to move toward it?
What can I do one month from now?
What can I do six months from now?
SMART goal setting is a powerful tool that gives you the clarity, focus, and motivation you need to attain your goals. It gives you the support for knowing how to set and achieve big goals for anything you want in life. What it does not do is take action for you.
You set goals all day long, but unless you take consistent action moving toward them, you’ll remain stuck where you are. Commit to taking 100% responsibility for every aspect of your life and goal-planning. Then choose what you want; decide what actions you will take to create it; take those actions step-by-step until you reach them.
If you find yourself stuck unable to move forward, you may have a limiting belief holding you back. If you’re unsure of what’s blocking you, scheduleyour free 15-minute assessment with me now to determine what it is.
I can help you become unstoppable!
“Life takes on meaning when you become motivated, set goals, and charge after them in an unstoppable manner.” ~ Les Brown
RED FLAGS That Signal You Are A PerfectionistTHE PERFECTIONIST—FEAR ARCHETYPE
The Perfectionist
The Perfectionist is often seen as a positive aspect that improves your likelihood of success. But it can also take you down the rabbit hole with self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.
If you have the Perfectionist archetype, in all likelihood, it was a pattern of behavior that you formed in early life as a survival technique to a traumatic event(s), physical, emotional, or psychological, to alleviate painful emotions.
Or you may have been valued by your parents, teachers, and other authority figures for your achievements or what you accomplished, which caused your sense of value on others’ approval.
For whatever purpose it served in your childhood, the belief that you could stop bad things from happening if you tried harder, were better or perfect, allowed you to keep whatever atmosphere of security in your world, even though it wasn’t real. This belief, however, comes with a hefty price tag—your self-esteem or sense of self-worth.
The shadow fears of the Perfectionist are:
The fear of being seen for who you truly are
The fear of making mistakes
The fear of not being accepted or liked
The fear of failure
The fear of being judged or criticized
The fear of disapproval
The Perfectionist’s pattern of behavior strengthens each time it’s used not to feel negative emotions, and your authentic self, with all your perceived flaws, is pushed deeper into the shadow. However, your talents and gifts are also hidden.
If you are a Perfectionist,
your main issue is you never feel that you or anything you do is good enough because there’s always something that needs to be fixed, improved, or healed. You are driven more by avoiding failure and not being good enough than the pursuit of perfection.
This approach of never being good enough creates a perpetual feeling of discontent. Like a hamster running on a wheel getting nowhere, you repeat the pattern again and again.
And this obsession with perfection keeps you in the shadow; you live in a nightmare, unable to enjoy life. The need to be perfect may cause you mental health issues, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and even suicide.
If you think you have the Perfectionist archetype:
You may always strive for perfection; you may feel like a failure if something is not perfect.
You may have difficulty finishing projects or not finishing them at all; you procrastinate regularly.
You may suffer from anxiety and stress, unable to relax.
You have low self-worth and self-esteem.
You may not be satisfied with your success because it isn’t good enough.
You may have black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking.
You may become depressed if you don’t meet your goals.
You may become defensive when someone provides you with constructive criticism; you may be hyper-sensitive.
Any of the aspects listed above can be detrimental to your life, whether personal, professional, community, or even spiritual. Download your copy of “Red Flags That Signal You’re A Perfectionist.”
So, how do you halt to a behavior pattern that most see as positive but one that is causing you problems?
The first step is to recognize your patterns. Be an observer of your daily actions and when and where you fall into them.
In your personal life, are you afraid to let people see who you are because you fear being rejected, so you believe, “If I’m perfect, no one will reject me?” Do you feel you are flawed and strive to cover them up to appear better than you are so that others won’t reject you?
Recollect one or two incidents where you felt rejected. How did you show yourself to others? What was the vulnerability that caused you to feel that way—was it your behavior, not meeting another person’s expectation, or something else? Do you feel threatened? Do you think you’re not good or worthy enough for them?
Take some time with your thoughts and emotions, allowing them to be just as they are without judging them. Be patient; it may take a while, but notice how you feel when you’ve done it.
Professionally, striving for perfection can cause you to delay submitting your project or spend too much time on details, leading to chaos and undermining your company. Or, you feel you
don’t have enough time to do it perfectly, so you procrastinate and delay starting it all together. And because of time constraints, you suffer from stress and anxiety.
Do you hear a voice in your head say, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right?” How would it feel to silence this self-talk, knowing it is a force in the way? You can—by closing the door and shutting it how. You can do this by:
Turning to self-affirmations such as “My best is good enough,” “Action is better than perfection, and “I’m always learning and improving.” My favorite is “Procrastinate later.“
Accept your thoughts, but don’t give into them.
Record any emotional responses that arise, allowing yourself to welcome them fully.
When you slow down and look for the causal level of your behavior, you’ll find you’re making up for something you lost earlier in life. And, it most likely is a belief that you created as a survival mechanism that no longer serves you.
When you are in the Perfectionist archetype’s shadow, issues arise that cause you trouble. Stepping into the light is a conscious decision where you recognize and acknowledge the behavior. Changing your thoughts through self-affirmations and visualization is necessary to reprogram your mind. You can then walk through any fears you feel and express the emotion or emotions you have freely.
To thoroughly rid yourself of old, limiting beliefs, it’s essential to completely dis-create them. As a Certified Clear Beliefs Coach, I help guide you through the Imaginary Realm, where a negative belief that no longer serves you is pulled out and destroyed, much like an unwanted weed. As a result, space is generated for you to create a new, more empowering belief—one that gives you the experiences you desire in life. It’s simple but not easy.
The same can be said about life; life can be simple but isn’t always easy.
Stress; everyone has some form or degree of it, whether it’s positive or negative. But with a divided nation and a pandemic continuing for over a year now, stress levels have gone off the rails. So what are your stressors, and how do you handle them?
My definition of stress is an external force you choose to internalize. The operative word here is “choose;” it is a choice.
Before we delve into stress management styles, let’s look at a few stressors. I find the following are dominant creators of stress for people today.
Lack of Time—Being busy does not always mean you’re productive. It may be caused by not having a schedule or routine or just poor time management. Have you misplaced your keys just as you noticed
you were late for an appointment or work? Or found after you started driving that you forgot something and have to turn back to get it? Or misplace an important note or file and can’t find it anywhere? These are little stresses that add up, eating into your day. And you wonder why you have no time to relax?
Financial Problems—With the pandemic causing job losses, many Americans find it difficult to pay for food and other life necessities, let alone the mortgage or rent. Combined with the financial stress, there’s the impact COVID-19 has. Even before COVID-19, according to a report from The Pew Charitable Trusts, 8 in 10 Americans were in debt. A decrease in income, changes in marital status, health and medical expenses may cause financial problems. So too will the lack of budgeting and money management skills.
Relationship Conflicts—If your relationships are strained, whether at home or in the workplace, chances are you’ll be stressed about them. Conflicts may occur, exacerbating your anxiety. You and a coworker may disagree on how to complete a project, or your spouse or significant other may be staunch in the way they perform chores that irritate you. Parenting also falls under this stress generator, especially when there are conflicting beliefs about how to raise children.
Overextending Oneself—People-pleasers frequently fall into this trap, whether it’s not wanting to let people down, afraid of saying no, or wanting to appear favorable or helpful. Another sign of this particular stress factor is if you find yourself in a constant state of overwhelm—too many choices, too many commitments, too many lunch dates, or zoom calls. In effect, too many ‘yeses.’ Biting off more than you can chew is not always the wisest thing to do, and in fact, can cause health issues if you remain in a state of over-doing and not allowing yourself to be.
Do you feel like your world is spinning out of control, and you are out of balance? How often do you find yourself wanting to cry out, exasperated because one more thing was piled onto your already overflowing plate?
What is the solution?
The indicators listed above are signals that you may be stressed out or have too much on your plate, and if you want relief, you need to give yourself a pause for some necessary downtime. The choices you make have consequences, and the more conscious they are, the more likely your stress is reduced. You can’t stop a traffic jam, rising costs, the weather, or anything else beyond your control, the external forces that many of us choose to internalize. There are various methods for reducing stress. They include:
Practice Yoga. Yoga is a discipline that connects mind-body by increasing body and breath awareness. And because your focus is on your breath, your mind settles and clears, reducing thoughts that may cause stress. You are in the moment. When here, there is less room for stress to occur.
Procrastinate later. If you find yourself avoiding or completing difficult tasks, or if you lack time due to distractions, make a plan and stick to it. As they say, “Plan your work, then work your plan.” I have found that scheduling distractions to be an effective way to get everything on my daily to-do list completed.
Set boundaries. Learning to say no may be challenging at first, so you may want to start small by politely decline a request, such as calling to order a meal. Let the person who asked do it. Then you can move on to saying no to running an errand for something and eventually passing on being project manager for work-related activity.
Acceptance. I have found the most effective way to lessen the likelihood for stress to occur is through acceptance. By accepting whatever is, just as it is, not what you want it to be. You don’t have to like whatever you’re accepting, but it makes it easier to get through.
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
If you find yourself overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious, I can help. Schedule your free 15-minute Zoom assessment today!
and wished you could take it back?
so you believe, “If I’m perfect, no one will reject me?” Do you feel you are flawed and strive to cover them up to appear better than you are so that others won’t reject you?
To thoroughly rid yourself of old, limiting beliefs, it’s essential to completely dis-create them. As a 
