The Power of Not Making Assumptions
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned on my journey toward personal growth and healing is from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. The third agreement, “Don’t make assumptions,” might seem simple on the surface, but when you dig into its implications, it has the potential to profoundly change how you approach life and relationships.
For many years, I was trapped in the habit of making assumptions. I would leap to conclusions without all the necessary facts, and those assumptions would often lead me to feel hurt, frustrated, or angry. Looking back, I can see how this behavior created unnecessary conflict in my life. It always seemed to stem from an underlying belief that I had to protect myself from rejection or disappointment.
One moment stands out in particular. I had a date lined up with someone I was really looking forward to seeing. I spent the entire afternoon getting ready. I picked out the perfect outfit, carefully did my hair and makeup, and genuinely felt excited about the evening. But my phone rang just ten minutes before I was about to leave. It was him—canceling. There was no explanation, no suggestion of rescheduling, only, “I can’t make it tonight.”
My mind immediately went into overdrive. I assumed the worst. He must have found someone else, I thought. I’m clearly not important enough, I concluded. I took it personally and spiraled into feelings of unworthiness and rejection. This simple cancellation felt like confirmation of every insecurity I’d ever had.
But here’s the thing: I didn’t know the full story. It turned out that his father had passed away unexpectedly that day. I was so consumed with my own assumptions that I hadn’t even considered that something so serious might have happened. When I learned the truth, I felt terrible—not just for my friend, but for how quickly I had jumped to a conclusion and made it all about me.
That experience was a pivotal moment for me. It opened my eyes to how destructive assumptions can be, not only in our relationships but also in how we view ourselves. It taught me that assumptions are often based on fear—fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of the unknown.
About five years later, I found myself in a similar situation. Once again, I had plans that were canceled at the last minute. But this time, I didn’t assume the worst or make it about me. I simply thought, “Okay, this opens up an opportunity to do something different with my evening.” I felt calm, at peace, and even curious about what other possibilities the night might hold. It was a huge shift from the way I used to react.
Here’s what I’ve learned about not making assumptions:
- Clarity is key. When you feel uncertain, instead of jumping to conclusions, seek clarity. Ask questions. Don’t let your mind fill in the gaps with worst-case scenarios. Often, all it takes is a simple conversation to understand what’s really going on.
- Most of the time, it’s not about you. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I used to take everything personally. But the truth is, other people’s actions often reflect what’s happening in their own lives—not a reflection of your worth or importance. When you stop taking things personally, you free yourself from so much unnecessary emotional turmoil.
- Embrace the unknown. Not knowing something doesn’t have to be scary. Sometimes, when things don’t go as planned, it opens up new opportunities you hadn’t considered. Instead of making assumptions, try to see the unknown as an exciting space for possibilities.
- Assumptions are limiting beliefs. When we assume, we close ourselves off from potential truths and experiences. Breaking the habit of assuming means opening ourselves to more understanding, better communication, and healthier relationships.
The bottom line? Don’t let your mind trick you into believing things that aren’t true. Assumptions can be dangerous because they feel real, but they’re often just stories we create in our heads. So, the next time you find yourself making an assumption, pause. Ask for clarity if you need it. And remember, the truth is always better than the stories we tell ourselves.
If you are making assumptions and want to change but don’t know where to start, schedule your complimentary Discovery call today.
